Sunday, August 19, 2012

The future

So my period is finally gone today and I think I'm starting to feel a little bit better about everything. With my husband starting back to school tomorrow to pursue his masters, me actively seeking a new job (with better pay and a happier environment) and bills (mostly medical) piling up... maybe we aren't meant to have children right now. I know that we both want them desperately and we are not going to give up but maybe my body needs a break. Maybe my whole life needs a break. I think right now it's worth it to just let life run it's own course. So hopefully this is the start of something wonderful. I'm going to continue to not try/not prevent and hope it works well ;)

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Even on my weakest days...

I get a little bit stronger. First of all, let me start off by saying I'm sorry it's been so long. Life has a way of throwing me some curve balls every corner I turn and lately it's been a lot. Right now everything with the RE is on hold. We cannot afford to do IVF and at the moment we cannot get a loan for that amount. It sucks but there isn't much we can do. So until we can get a loan or save up the money it's on permanent hold. TTC... well that's not on hold necessarily, BUT we are taking a step back from the craziness. The last 4+ years of my life have been consumed by TTC. I feel like I've been broken so many times and glued back together that the pieces don't make what they used to. I will be the first to admit that I'm not the same naive person I was before this all started. Never in a million years would I have thought I would be 25 years old with no living children. If you asked me from the time I was small what I wanted to be it was always a mother. Now I'm having to face reality, and that is that I might never become a mother... at least not how I thought I would. What I do know is this journey to motherhood for me is far from over. I will become a mother. How and when are to be determined but I'm not giving up. I will be a mother and I already am. I have 9 loving children watching over me from heaven and they are going to bring me a child to love and raise on this earth. That I know for sure. If you are still checking my blog ... thank you :) I'll try to keep it more up to date. ~ME~

Friday, April 6, 2012

New RE and ready to IVF

Got to my appointment about a half an hour early and was greeted by AMANDA (aka the reason for my appointment today ). So that in itself was awesome! Got there and guess what... they did NOT have my records! I was totally peeved! Amanda said not to worry as I know my history just as much as my OB so they would call the doctor to get my records but until then I could tell the RE what I had/had not tried. (Have I mentioned I love her )
Okay so after we filled out more paperwork we were sitting in the waiting room. I must have looked super nervous because this sweet girl sitting across from us asked me if this was our intial appointment. I told her yes and she pointed at her stomach. She said that she is 11 weeks along with twins. She then tells me that she has PCOS & Endo (like me) and that her and her husband had been trying for 5 years and had several miscarriages. One IVF later with my new doctor and they are expecting their rainbow babies! So that really, really helped.
About 5ish minutes later my RE (yes you read that right) the actually doctor came and got me from the waiting room. We get to her office and she says to me that the other doctor did not have an appointment and would like to sit in on my consult. I said sure. (what do I have to lose by seeing 2 instead of 1 RE’s). So they both sit down with DH and I. We went through all of my history and what we have tried. Talked about all the testing we have been through and where we are now.
The lady doctor starts out by telling me that I can try IUI but she really does not think it’s going to work for us. She said she would hate for us to put all the money in an IUI cycle and then us not to be able to complete it. (I have PCOS and my ovaries have around 50ish follies on them which makes me a bad candidate for IUI when you only want 1-2 to develop). She said she really thinks I should think about the shared risk program for IVF. She thinks that it will only take one cycle of it and that we will have several frozen for if we want more children down the road.
This whole time I keep looking over at DH to see his reaction to this. Me, I’m expecting it... him.. well he is just trying to take it all in. After she finishes she said that we could go home and talk about it but she wanted to get me started on a few tests she wants to run. I said sure and we did some BT today and more to be done in the near future. Next DH and I met our nurse. We have ONE nurse that is who is on our case from start to finish. She is very sweet and seems to really want to be there for us as well. Then we met the financial advisor. And wow if we weren’t already buzzing with all the info we were given she threw 100x more things into the mix. DH and I had a chance to talk while she was on the phone with the insurance company and said let’s go for it.
At this point she comes back in and we tell her we want to do it. She brings our doctor over and she hands me more info and we have a plan of attack. Depending on all of the tests she is running if all is clear then we should be starting our first IVF within 2ish months. So ladies that is my long overdue update.
I’m nervous, excited, scared and very, very HOPEFUL. I got excellent vibes from the doctors, nurses and receptionists. I hope that soon I get to post about those two beautiful pink lines!

Monday, March 19, 2012

Bundle of emotions

Nervous/Scared/Excited/Anxious.... the list goes on. Wednesday seems so close but yet so far away. I'm ready to go and see the Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE) but I'm also so nervous. I feel this is going to be our answer finally. DH is a little nervous (at the thought of multiples) but honestly I really feel that whatever is meant to be, will be.

I would have never thought in a million years that it would take this long to become pregnant & stay pregnant. Seeing people popping up everywhere has plagued me for so long that it's become a normal thing for me to be a jealous person. I'm ready to be that person. I'm ready to have a child to love.

No matter how the appointment goes, I know that I will at least to a certain extent finally have some answers. And a plan to go with them. I will take all the luck I can get :)

Thursday, February 16, 2012


The title says it all! I'm frustrated beyond belief. I feel like no matter what I do I'm stuck. I hate the job I'm currently doing and have looking for a new job. I'm pretty sure I'm going to be offered a position at a place that I would love to work for making more money than I am now... the ONLY issue is that with me getting ready to start seeing the RE I have no clue how this is going to work. Should I stay where I work now where I have 2 weeks worth of vacation that I can use to go to appointments or should I take the new position and have to push off seeing the RE until I've been there a little while. I feel as if the stress from where I work now is not helping. So that is where I am currently. Frustrated with a lot of choices to make. Bleh!

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

My TTC Journey so far

So far my "journey" has been just that, a journey. DH (dear husband) and I, have had so many ups and downs that I'm surprised our relationship has survived, let alone become stronger and healthier. We started our journey shortly before we got married in August 2008. We found out we were pregnant for the first time October 2008. We were thrilled to say the least. Then 3 months later on December 12 I had some spotting. DH couldn't go so my mother and I went to the doctor and they did an ultrasound. Our little baby boy was wiggling all around. I was sent home and was told to rest. The next day was Saturday and DH and I lounged all day. Sunday we woke up and I was in horrible pain. I called the on-call OB and she told me it was normal and to continue resting. I knew something was off so I waited and called again a few hours later. She again told me not to come in just rest. When 2am December 15th came about I was in agony. DH and I headed for the hospital and called my mother to meet us there. They took me back right away and then sent me for an ultrasound alone. As soon as the tech started I knew something wasn't right. She hurriedly turned the screen so I couldn't see it. They took me back to the room to wait. The doctor walked in and said "I'm so sorry" and that's the last I remember. My baby boy Noah Allen was born still that day. Since that day we have been put through hell with testing and came up with some issues but after 9 angels we are finally going to see an RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist). I will be documenting my journey here. Today I started the process of the whole pile of paperwork for the RE. Once we have all our records and I have the paperwork complete we will schedule our appointment. This RE is different than most. For our first appointment we have to allow 4-5 hours. We get to sit down and talk with the doctor for the first 1-2 hours. From there we run any testing we need to, talk to the financial adviser, schedule our plan and run with it. Thanks for reading :)